Broken hearts and acts of faith
For those who have not read me before, I will briefly describe the story of my life. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 25 and from 27 to 32 I passed very hard times, I lose those years of my life between depressive episodes and the “ups” of the condition, and even if they led me to have several achievements, I was not able to enjoy them. I just had a few friends. My mom, who also had Bipolar Disorder was in a very bad state herself, at the time. I felt as if I was a burden to my family and I didn’t ask for all the help I needed. I did not understand what was going on. I was very self-destructive and I wanted to die. That feeling lasted a long, long painful time.
That was the moment when I began my way to recovery. It has not been easy, in fact I’m still on it, but I feel very close to the goal. As I describe in the other post, my weak points has been love and romance, but that is also improving now.
At this moment, the romantic things seem to not be coming up as I “expect”. I would love not to have expectations at all, and I understand that love itself doesn’t demand anything, but having expectations is part of life too and its not necessarily wrong. The last 10 days I have had the challenge to live the dynamics of romantic experiences without dying in the attempt. For someone who find it difficult to manage intimate emotions and who overanalyzes everything, it can be more challenging. The way I experience “love” is the problem, not the situation itself. Actually my emotions could be quite mis-matching to reality. There’s no complain in this experience, I’ve had a good time, but at this moment it feels that things will not lead to where I “need” or “demand”.
10 days ago, I went to NY and I started to feel a bit out of control. I was obsessively thinking that I am not going to be lucky once more and other negative things. I was so stressed out that I forgot my laptop on the bus.
Today was a difficult day, those thoughts are coming and going and that hurts. I have thoughts like “love is not for me”, “no matter what I do, no one will stay with me” or “I will never find my other half”. The good news is that now I understand that one has to fight to stay positive no matter what our mind wants to dictate. Those are reflections of our own empty spaces.
Now I know that I have to help myself and have learned ways to do it. I no longer suffer how I suffered before, but I still have very painful moments and I hardly can express my feelings to the ones I would like. Today, in one of those moments, I felt I couldn’t deal with it and I decided to go to a church and pray. I’m not Catholic, I’m a freethinker, but I definitely have faith that the universe is listening. I decided to go to St. Matthew’s Cathedral. I collapsed, kneel and cried about and hour in San Antonio de Padua’s altar. Maybe it sounds irrational, but this is a very old wound that stills prone to open. Maybe the loneliness in where I was all those years. All the rejections and failures caused by whom I was. In the midst of my pain, I asked for relief and for luck to be by my side. I also prayed to have strength and light strong enough to allow me to promptly accept what is not meant to be the way I would like.
On Friday I lost my voice, and I knew something was going on inside me and it was time to contact my feelings.
Today, I chose not to analyze my thoughts and replace them with the phrase “love is for me.” It does not matter now what are the reasons why things are not happening as I wish, and wondering about it only hurts more. So every time that thoughts come, I just repeat that phrase like a mantra.
And here comes the purpose of this post. I’ll tell you the miracle that happened today: Leaving the church, when I just crossed the exit door, I received a call. A very nice woman told me that my laptop had appeared.
That didn’t cured completely the bursts of anxiety in my heart, but there are many ways to see what happened, and I see all these messages: I see the message that someone listens and helps us, the message that not everything is lost, the message that what is destined to be with us will be, in the same way my beautiful computer is back again. I also see what this message is not saying, and that is part of the message too: there are things we would love to hear, but they are not being said. With faith and devotion we can keep on moving forward and replace what we can’t have with other things than can make us as happy as what didn’t happen.
This is for you, for those who find it hard to believe, for those who have lost hope or are in great suffering. I have touched the depths of pain and that has led me to be who I am now and to slowly conquer a higher level of peace and love.
Everything passes, even the most excruciating pain. Life is hard, our loved ones die, perhaps tragically, we are left, we get divorced, we are victims of our weaknesses, we lose stability or money, we lose a child or even worse things, but life is more than that. Give yourself to believe because we also love, get married, have kids, can be happy without them, not care about money or can have a handsome lover that gave you quality time, showed you his garden that makes him so happy and with whom you could playfully wrestle like kids do, even if it was just for a few nights and despite the fact that sooner or later the heart ached.